Nerves -- Part Two

A Wino’s Note:  This post was written 21 May 2013 while drinking champagne on my back deck.  A significant environmental, emotional, and psychological change from Part One.

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Lets recap Part One:  US Army Advanced Airborne School: 1 // A Wino:  0

It may have taken a total of 43 minutes to transition despair in to action.  In 42 minutes I moved through four stages of grief:  Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression.  I think I probably transposed Bargaining and Anger and I’m not proud of that, but who can remember what you do when you’re in such a state of utter disbelief.   I never made it to the fifth stage though, Acceptance.  I refused Acceptance.  Instead, I renamed the fifth stage Action and by minute 43 I had A Plan.  Action.  Action is how you survive.  Action is how you move on.  There are many ways it's been said throughout the years:  When You’re Bucked Off the Horse…; Pick Your Ruck Back Up…; Its Not the Critic Who Counts…; many many ways to say the simple concept of “Keep Moving”.  That’s not to say I wasn’t inconsolable.  I was.  For about four days I was completely shattered…four days of humiliation, self-immolation and complete devastation.  Oh ya, and inebriation.  Lots and lots of inebriation.  Failing sucks.

But my Plan kept me treading water and not drowning myself in my sorrows with a bottle of cheap whisky (I don’t drink whisky but the thought definitely crossed my mind, cheap whisky seemed to fit this situation).  My Plan was, purely and simply, to go back.  People do it all the time.  Apparently its what you do.  You fail the US Army Advanced Airborne School and you go back.  Rich, Jon, Jim, but most importantly, Frank, all failed the first time and all went back.  Now sure, to be honest, people typically don’t go back within 32 days before a major PCS to the other side of the country but sometimes you need to buck the trend.  So after a significant amount of negotiation with the powers that be at my current place of employment, some cases of beer promised to anyone who could guarantee me a stand-by slot, and quite a bit of one-on-one time with The Big Man, I went back.  And on 6 May there I was, sitting back in the classroom with 106 of my closest Jumpmaster-To-Be friends, over three-quarters of them back for a second, third, and some even fourth time.  Like I said, apparently going back is what you do.

So fast-forward two weeks.  All that really mattered was distilled down to the laser focus of the JMPI test.  It was eerily familiar:  Sitting in the classroom waiting for my roster number to be called.  Nerves were elevated.  Time was extended.  Stress was palpable.  And there she was again, that inner Jumpmaster:  “Why did you come back?  What if you fail again?  How are you going to walk back in to the office as a Two Time No Go.”  But this time I knew how to handle her.  “Shhhh” I tell her, “I’m busy concentrating.  I’ll talk to you in a few minutes.  Go away”  And shockingly, she actually listened.  She shrugged and quoted Teddy Rooselvelt “It’s not the critic who counts, it’s not the one who points out how the strong man stumbled or how the doer of deeds might have done them better.  The credit belongs to the one who is actually in the arena…” and then she sat down, smiled, and waited.  And suddenly her calm made me calm.  My heart rate drop back to a survivable level and I waited.  Calmly.  Confidently.  Intently.

“Roster Number 64…you’re up”.  And here we go…

If you want the gory details call me and I’ll give you the blow by blow.  But I won't bore you unnecessarily with a description that only a few reading this will understand or appreciate.  Bottom line, on my first attempt of three chances to successfully JMPI three jumpers in less than 5 minutes I heard the coveted words every Jumpmaster student dreams of:  “You’re a Go, Jumpmaster”.  My blank stare and disbelieving “uh…what?” made the instructor laugh.  “Congrats, you’re a Go”.  There is no feeling in the world that can quite compare to hearing those three little words of “You’re A Go”.  Just ask anyone who has graduated from THE Jumpmaster Course (all others have an asterisk).

As I drove away from the USA Advanced Airborne School as a Go, “Carry On” by Fun was on the radio.  “If you’re lost and alone and you’re sinking like a stone, Carry On.  May your path be the sound of your feet upon the ground, Carry On”.  How appropriate.  Action.  Its how you survive.