...18 Yr Old Apple Employees

SCENE:  The Genius Bar at the Apple Store.  Yes..."The Genius Bar"

34-Yr Old Relatively Intelligent and Technologically Competent Individual:  Hi!  I accidentally deleted a bunch of photos off my iPhone 5 that I took yesterday.  How can I get those back?

18-Yr Old Hipster Apple Employee:  Hmmm...do you mind if I look at your phone?

Me:  Sure no problem.  Here you go...

Her:  OK so you deleted some pictures off your Camera Roll and you want to get them back.  (She clicks on the Photo Stream) Are these it?

Me:  Um...No.  (But thank you for insulting my intelligence) I had not yet connected to a wireless signal before I deleted them so they hadn't uploaded to Photo Stream (I say this with the false hope she will realize she's not dealing with a recent escapee from an Amish village)

Her:  Did you back it up?

Me:  (Ok apparently not).  Um...No.  Thats my point.  (If I backed them up would I be standing at the Genius Bar asking for your Genius Support?)

Her:  Well if you didn't back them up and they're not on the Photo Stream then there is nothing we can do.

Me:  Really.  In all the technology that Apple has created there is no way they can recover accidentally deleted photos?  The company that developed the iPod?  That has transformed the cell phone?  That has completely revolutionized how humans interact with technology?  There's nothing you can do?

Her:  No I’m sorry that’s what backup is for.

Me:  (Resisting the urge to come across the Genius Bar and assure her I fully understand the concept of the “backup”)  I find that hard to believe.

Her:  Well it’s like when you delete pictures off a digital camera…they’re gone.  I’m sorry.

Me:  (Ok kid, I may be in my 30’s but the clarity of long distance phone calls does not amaze me).  Well that’s the funny thing, when you delete pictures off a digital camera they’re not gone.  They Are Still On The Camera (seriously, have you never watched Snapped??)

Her:  Well to get them back the device would have to be sent out.

Me:  So…it’s not impossible?  So saying it was impossible was the easy answer when I walked up (NOTE:  12 hrs ago I accepted the fact that these pictures were gone.  At this point it’s the principle).  So how do I get them back? 

Her:  Um I’ve never heard of this problem before (seriously?  No one has come to you and said they accidentally deleted something off their phone) (she starts typing “iPhone lost data” into her iPad…I’m sure this amazes the Amish…as does running water)

Me:  SERIOUSLY?  ARE YOU GOOGLING IT??  You don’t think I spent the entire night last night trying to figure this out??!!  (At this point my mom walks away to avoid being associated with the irate 30-something)

Her:  I’m sorry, that’s the only thing I can do.

Me:  Wow.  (Again resisting the urge to come across the Genius Bar and explain what minimally financed government agencies can do with cell phones, I simply walk away)

Her:  (Talking to the lady in line behind me who apparently tied up her horse and buggy just outside)  OK no problem, so you’re having problems updating your contact list.  I’d be happy to help.  Let me have a look…   

...American Effing Heroes

You know its coming.  You know what’s going to happen.  You volunteered to play a part in this exercise.  You’ve got a fairly decent working knowledge of the sequence of events that is about to commence.  Hell…you can see the Observer Controller counting down from five.  But even though you know it’s coming, the speed, surprise, and violence of action absolutely amazes you.  It seems like seconds and the bad guys are “subdued” (a euphemism for “shot in the face”).  It was probably less than that.  The level of detail shocks you:  the choreographed movements, the succinct communication, even down to the oversized American flag on their chests so no one will doubt who these guys represent.  You know what’s coming and you are still left silent with amazement.

The level that society has canonized the American service member and castigated those who would question that sainthood frustrates me.  It has frustrated me for about 11 years now...ever since I got a good view from the inside.  Trust me, America, not every one in uniform is worthy of this praise and not everyone who blouses their boots is a hero.  We lie.  We steal. We’re fat.  We’re bigots.  We’re lazy and crass.  Sure, we’re also thoughtful, intelligent, physically fit, and respectful.  We are simply a cross-section of society; nothing more and nothing less.  It’s a job. And like every job in America, there are different motives and different personalities for those who hold the job. Thanks for the reverence but not necessary on such a massive, homogenously unquestioned level. 

There are, however, those who deserve that worship.  Those that dedicate their short lives to the secret world of defeating the enemies that plot our destruction; those who lose sleep at night wondering if they’ve done everything they can to stop the next catastrophe; those who are called on and respond to America’s most vile enemies with speed, surprise, and violence of action…those are the American Effing Heroes.  Sleep well America, you’re safe.  I’ve seen our most elite weapon in action and even though I knew it was coming, it was absolutely effing amazing.